tool time

We interrupt you regularly scheduled dream programming to ask the question that’s been on everyones minds after watching supertoiletbowl LXVIIZ123: what happened to cool??

As far as I can tell  the superbowl’s cool had a fire sale, boarded its windows, packed its bags, and got the good goddamn hell outta dodge/indianapolis. Because it was nowhere remotely close to the overhyped overjazzed cornball event. sad…*

the wackness all kicked off with the pregame “woe is me” theatrical  interviews+ the friendly mugshot style pictures of the players they insist on showing for pr relations+ the corny, overproduced anthems that are supposed to blast us all with hero athelete meets human facade of cool.  I cant be the only one feeling embarassed that the tough guys’ male event of the year  went limp. as i watched the game it seemed to me like an old dude desperately clinging to “cool” at all costs. Like granpa buying a hairpiece and getting a fast red car.. you know hell strick out and you just want to yell “you’re 70 buddy. Face it. Let’s refurb or move on.” throwing on wigs and heels and shooting botox aint gonna liven things up.

Speaking of madonna. ….

i know the superbowl was supposed to be the premier cool event of the year but how did they figure that grown men who like beer and football like madonna? not sure…ultimately when we dissect the show was have to ask ourselves…Is a 50 year old woman (who’s done every procedure known to man to look 25) wearing a fake gladiator skirt, too high heels, lipsyncing to an indifferent, booze saturated, sensory over loaded crowd and then struggling to do assisted cartwheels and back walkovers cool? is her flashing the barely there black strip that covered her well waxed crotch cool? Is her legion of younger, lesser demi-millionaire spin off clone singing back up dolls cool?  Was cool the two random djs with afros!! i really like their music but they have zero relation to ms madge, even less so the guy who bounced dangerously on a tightrope with his crotch as a landing pad for a minute at the front of the stage. everyone watching decried him as a eunuch? not so cool.

Even the gazillion dollar commercials struggled for cool points.  one big spender propositioned us with a 3 seater compact very affordable chevy that an “indie” band strapped broken broomsticks to then drove down a dusty road.  as the car traverses the lane, its sticks hit upturned piano keys and 3rd hand guitars crucifixed by the roadside, creating new and unique sounds.. then the guys made a song from that mess.  later cheverolet took the car and bungee jumped it. and Parachuted it. And “kick flipped it”…for extra cool..why god why? i laughed.

those corporate ad execs had searched for “cool” high and low. mined every orifice and deep crackwell of coolness… no cool there.  Or anywhere. The overhyped blare of a two week media warm up and the reality of a mere mortal football game + concert served buffet style between corporate shock and awe campaigns left me feeling totally unimpressed. And totally deflated. (the game was ok!) did anyone else feel a little empty inside too?

What is cool anyhow?? True cool has fans. Yes. And funding, after its caught on a bit. Cool can be popular on a mass level, if its not trendy for too long and too available for everyone.  But one thing cool aint  is stooping down to the little guy to shake hands and make a sell. And cool sure aint trying to show you a matchbox car and tell you its a benz, convince you that a watered down toilet brewed factory beer is primo shit, and cool will never push a 50 year old cradle robbing milf as a 30 year old hip hop star who’s records are worth buying. At least she gave up on the virgin act.

there was a good part of her show, the last segment featuring the “like a prayer” song. its a crowd favorite known for its shmaltz. Why did it work? because It wasn’t trying to be cool even though ceelo wore a choir robe shelacked in black sequins to match his female costars.  It just embraced itself for what it was. Pop cheeze. Why couldn’t the whole shabang have been that??

Cool is sadly gone in todays overtech fad fad world. And unless we par down the extravagance big sets fireworks digital effects and generous sensory overload that is seemingly so necessary to capture hearts and minds aged 18 to 45, we will never see it again. How can large corps self censor themselves back to cool? They have endless budgets and no plug pullers. I can’t believe no one sat in those boardrooms and said, “Hey guys. This is wiggity wiggity wack as hell here and we need to axe this shit and go back to the drawing board. more nirvana and less liberace”. for the car as musical instrument ad? for The go daddy tacky body paint ad? for The kia “dream utopia” ad. for The beetle dog ad??

How do we get back to cool?

I think We’re gonna need a whole lot of ads that just speak to what the product really is, if possible. genuine, unforced humor helps. the ads also cant be pumping and blasting their adjacent website/faceholebook/social media image of “I’m totally linked in dude and I care about you” to cover an obvious corporate malfesance scam. cool needs a big return to the “I’m barely there and I have no need to impress your inner child”. how refreshing.

alrighty then. im returning to my dream scapes tomorrow.

happy dreams.

keep it cool babies…


odie mama.

* so damn happy them giants won and beat patriots again!!!! go giants!!!



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