Full house

I Was jolted out of bed by the sound of Odie screaming. It was a cry of pain that pierced my heart. I’ve never gotten out of bed so quick in my damn life. If this had been the olympics, I would have been clocked going from sleeping to full upright position in .5 seconds.
My little dragon fur baby kitty Odie was in trouble and I was going to save him.
Was he caught in the heating grate by a nail and hanging from a badly twisted arm. ? Had he fallen and couldn’t Get up because some if his pixie sized bones were broken? Was he being crushed by something and his tiny life force waning?.. My mind drowned with fear as I rushed to the next room to save him.
“Odie…Odie…where are you baby..where are you..mamas here…its gonna be ok.” I called..
Where the hell was he? I couldn’t find him. I couldn’t hear him either. There was no crying…just silence.
But if he wasnt there..where was he? I went back into the other room and called him. And found him. Safe. Whole. Sitting on the windowsill . And totally fine.  the look on his face let me know he was wondering what the hell was wrong with me. His Crazy mama.
Turns out the neighbors baby human in the hallway was the perpetrator.  The little demon beast had cried in such a way it sounded like the time I accidentally closed the closet on odies little furry arm. (he was fine! Thank God).
I thought about this emotional mind Fuck….a Babys cries had activated My maturnal instincts like they’d never been activated before. In those initial moments of panic I would have, Like other mothers before me, lifted buses, run through burning buildings, and gone on the “Dance Moms” reality show..all to save him.
This revelation was quite the early morning bitch slap because I’ve always said I was never having kids. And this jarring jolting heart wrenching panic adrenaline blast is one of those feelings I thought I would never experience.
90% of the world does have kids. Thats everyone. And they’re too many of us here as the proof.
We are 7 billion and counting.
AS I troll Facebook i’m oft surprised by the people that grew up, got real, and had.a family. 
But i’m not surprised that I will never be one. We come from a very small family with large generational gaps. Avg conception age 34 years. And though i’m within the procreation time frame norm. for our family I already know that I won’t meet it.
I have zero desires for kids. Make that Negative Zero. And I don’t think its just the shit they’re adding to the Nyc municipal tap to control population.
I’ve never wanted kids. And that’s not a desire you can surpress or manufacture. I see babies as an odd circus curiosity. All sideshow and no main arena.
My need to create its purely artistic. My womb* knows not the emptiness they have proclaimed throughout history that all wombs do.. I am wholly satisfied as I am. Just need to get the plays done. And get another hairless cat.
I’ll have less mother angst moments.
And a hell of a lot more alone time.
What will this mean for me 30 years from now?

Has anyone else chosen to not go the traditional route? If so. How had that affected your life in positive and negative ways?

Only mama to Odie.

*this us the 4th time i’m using the word womb in recent entries!!! And in my pics!! Strange….
No I haven’t changed my mind..


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