a childhood visitor. a dream.

dear reader,

i have genuinely been trying to cut down the word length on my blog entries (and improve the spelling). ive failed at both. heres another spritual dream i had from this morning. extremely powerful and important (at least in my mind). hard to translate the emotions and the feelings i had during it, and that i took away from it. but here is my attempt at conveying it. the spritit part is in the last segment.

i had another incredible dream. it first started in san fran. i was with my mom. we were out for a trip and were “sightseeing”. next scene: we were inside a towerlike building where a variety of artists were displaying work.  it had many stairways and ramps and lots of wall for nooks and crannies inside where the various art was presented. somehow a jimi hendrix themed book got thrown off the top of a very high shelf by where we were. It was many levels up inside the tower so when the book fell down it hit someone below and injured them. opps. “wasnt my fault” was all i remember saying. we left quickly.

next scene: im with my old best friend. in a completely different building. we are trying out for something. tv wise? movie wise? i dont know. there are long lines to audition.  i begin to fight with her about something. she waits in line for the audition. i begin to realize the building we are auditioning/waiting in is a plus sized version of the highschool we went to.  and our highschool was huge. built to house 8000 student easily. in the dream version in was a confusing twist of i beams and ceiling lights and stairways. with those same sterile rubber tiles and and emtpy soul destroying cinderblock walls. (didnt see any lockers)

oh great. then i needed to go to the bathroom. somewhere between fighting with my friend, finding my way to the bathroom and the next scene theres a cut scene where my friend can actually sing damn well and jay-z is there and wants to help her become a star. i just kept thinking “what about me”….but i cant sing so I quickly forget about it. it was better than i just kept on my way to find a toilet…

next scene: on the way to find the bathroom i float from the highschool area to my k-12 school. and specifically into a wing where i went for 3rd and 4th grade. it was quiet. clean. nicer than i remembered. dreamworld has a great way of doing that.  the air was cool. and my first grade teacher ms —– was there. she looked older. but was still quite tall. her hair was very grey. she wore a nice cream knit sweater and those 80s pants she always had on. fitted at the ankle and not fitted at the hip.  she was still thin. she opened her arms and hugged me. and asked me how id been.

“im fine..how are you?”

she seemed fine. actully more than fine. she radiated great energy. she was very happy. content.  and then she said “do you know how special a child you were”.

“no”

“even at that young age you could read so well. you had a real gift”

..i did???? hold the press because i remember learning to read “late”. when i was 7. i think my brother could read when he was 3? 4? not later than 5? he could play the piano and program computers at 8. math was easy. so was ——, my dads native language. he was fluent. i never caught on.

that amongst other things that set me apart as the late mental achiever. ive always been the  “slower” one in the family. admittedly im up against crazy standards but ill discuss that in another blog.

so i was so surprised to hear she thought i was smart back then. when i thought i was dumb. i remember really feeling that way back then and analyzing it. hopelessly.  ive always been serious. compared myself to others. and was hard on myself. still am. i didnt share this with her…i just  analyzed her comments internally for a bit. then i thanked her out loud. and openly in my heart.. because she meant it. “maybe i shouldnt have felt that way about myself being dumb.” i thought.

and then i remember putting my arms around her to hug her again (im  a very closed person normally so this was me showing my ultimate trust) and walking down the short hallway with her. she was still 2 feet taller than me. though in real life if we stood side by side today (if shes still alive) wed probably only be 6 inches in height difference. the dream was interesting in that i was small again. but my age with my experiences…

as we waslked side by side in complete unison i began to ask her for news about everyone else. what had happened to all the other teachers that we knew.

she said ms. white is no longer with us.. but i couldnt remember who that was?

than my cat woke me up. damn damn damn…….whenever im making important contact in a dream hes there to distrupt it.

the dream meant something…and it was important to be able to revisit my childhood and gain a kinder perspective of it. i was able to shed a lot of pent up childhood anxiety in a way. caca ive carried with me all of these long years. for no reason. and im thankful.

love,

odie mama

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