the real soup nazi

i’m currently “living” in bowels/ lower-middle of a city that claims to be the place where you can get anything at any time. Really fuckers? Not if you want a cup of the worlds must basic soup and you’re at my job. (and no I can’t cook it where I am so side with me on this one). For the last four days I’ve wanted to eat tomato soup. just tomato. That’s all. No need for rice or basil or brioche. Just simple. Delicious tomato.  despite the fact it should be on every restaurants roster,  i havent been able to get it. my unserved soup anxiety got so pent up that today i assured myself  no matter what it took, i would get soup served. “Todays the day I get my motherfucking tomato soup”. i chanted for it. …

and guess what kids. no luck. im serious. i couldnt find it anywhere. the real life story behind my infuriating journey to nowhere will be the basis for todays depressingly funny blog. Enjoy my misery… BLOG UPDATE/ READER ALERT: you have to read this one till the end! its not all tears and balderdash. not all doom and gloom. Step 1. I called the deli that has daily soups. Im hoping for a delivery.  Line is busy. The goddamn phone is off the hook. This once in a million issue is happening now. When I need my soup. (background info: this deli has an amazing tomato soup with cream and chicken, but its never in stock. despite admission by the owner that people ask for it every day of the fucking week.  calling them for anything means I’m rolling optimistic dice in the hopes that he has it. dont i get some brownie points?)

being unable to reach deli I resort to step 2. I text the deli my order. They have a number set up for text orders. I’m still happy at this point….Ten minutes later no response. Shit. im no long happy. but im still determined. I proceed to step 3. I cancel my soup order via.another text and say “Fuck em”. somehow I have hope that I’ll find it elsewhere.

step 4. I decide to go to this organic earth market on the next block that a friend recommended for me last week. “they have great soup..” He promised. I have to trust him since i’ve never been. *Problem #595. Because of my work scenario i’m unable to leave store for more than 5 minutes..*problem # 35. I am very picky about my food. Often refusing to eat if what I want is not available. that makes me finding the soup and lunch or death scenario… (Not that anyone cares. and i dont blame you)

step 5. I race into unknown territory. The organic,market does have soup. But only two kinds and neithers tomato. Surprise! but wait. it gets even better. both soups are chock full of nasty nasty beans. Dammit all to hell! odie mama doesnt do beans. never.*Problem # 136.  I’m like st. Lazarus. Keep beans far the hell away from me. That includes peas. Chick peas. Lentils. Fuck em all. They taste like healthy earth and have the consistency of raw dirt.

step 6. I relent and walk to The original deli shit hole that never responded in step one and step 2. Knowing at this point I should already be back at work. And that they more than likely won’t have the soup I want. But I still have hope. step 7. No.of course they don’t have it. Actually that don’t have any soup at all. Its all sold out. At 1 in the afternoon. Why the hell won’t they have more soup if everyone wants it????? This is crazy. Steps 8,9,10. : I check the various menus of stores within range. Not a single one has soup. The place downstream has onion for 11$, only seasonally. The place upstream has lentil. step 11. I’m livid. step 12. I ask visiting sales man about a good place for soup. Surely he knows. hes been all thru this hood since 95… ” you know how hard it is to find soup around here. I can never find a place. Actually, not that i think about it there’s a place called ________ cafe. Theyre good. Yes, they deliver. step 13. Look them up online. step 14.Find them. Look over menu . That have a soup of the day. Is it tomato? I pray…. step 15. Call them. step 16. Follow prompts. step 17. get an extremely rude woman on the phone and deal with her.  Yes they have tomato basil soup. I’m fucking ecstatic. step 18. I give delivery address. step 19. “we dont deliver to that location” she tells me cheerfullly.

im in fullblown freefall meltdown mode at this point…. step 20. here I am. disraught. upset. and with no proverbial soup to cry into. Its 4 pm and I still haven’t eaten yet. Does anyone fell sorry for me? What, needs to happen around here is someone needs to open a Soup place. Just soup. Brilliant idea. But no ole will.and I won’t. I’ll just grovel. And starve.

BLOG UPDATE: i get a call from a friend of mine that i see once every few months. “where are you?” i ask.. hes at whole foods. and whole foods has soup. please, i beg him. please bring me a soup. he agrees to find/buy it. they say they dont have it. then they say they do. he gets it.  he bring it to me. i taste it…and …and…

and its terrible!

but im still happy. really. what a great story. the fates really gave me a mind whirl today. wish i had more important things to worry about . believe me. id rather be saving orangutans and writing my play…

at least the gods came thru in the end…bless them.

what an adventure. let me not go thru that again. how crazy was all that? bat shit crazy right? all for the worlds most basic soup…ive given up on the soup. its hopeless to beg for it. if it happens upon me then it does. otherwise forget it…


odie mama.

5 thoughts on “the real soup nazi

  1. Chill, dear…. next time, 6-8 oz. hot water, S&P, 7-10 packets catsup (depending on brand), stir well, enjoy. We who have lived on the street can attest to its deliciousness…. if you can score a couple packets of saltines, or oyster crackers, score! Oh, and from days of other places I’ve eaten, Whole Foods often has an acceptable lobster bisque; you need to heat it up, though, its flavor comes out with the heat….. best of luck on your soup quest….

    • My current place of work has no refrigerator, stove, microwave, or water that does not come from the toilet sink. My hands are pretty tied in terms of what I can cook: nada. Which suits me fine most days.
      thank you for sharing your catsup soup recipe. I’ll never forget how to make it. Hoping I’ll never have to though. Wink!

      • I hope you never have to as well, but it’s good to remember, as long as you have hot water out of the tap, and keep the ingredients on hand, you can eat…fridge, microwave, or not… :-)


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