my friend just told me that by 2017 burger king will only use free range chickens/eggs and cruel-free pork at all of its chains. thats amazing. 2017. just say that date out loud. 2 0 1 7 . so futuristic. so far away on the horizon of existence. then the let down hit me. 2017, “the year of the future”, is only 5 years away. if we survive the mayan apocolypse in december what will we have to show for it? free range burger chain meat? thats not the techno sci fi advancement i thought we as humans would have accomplished by now. what happened to colonies on mars. wheres the spaceship that travels faster than the speed of light. shouldnt we have fended off our first interstellar attack from brain eating aliens and survived our own foolish nuclear war… by 2015?
we’re behind people. way behind. its halfway through 2012 and we’re still frying our brains with cellphones and using chemo to cure radiation. proof that our progress into the future has slowed to a cement drying crawl: pictures from a website called”people of walmart”. once youve seen these images you know a hope for far reaching island galaxy vacations, cryogenics and cold fusion are impossibities. (thats if you believe cold fusion wasnt really discovered in 89 and squashed faster than you can say “tesla was murdered and his greatest works stolen so that humanity and the environment could suffer under the cog of big energy for all eternity”. phew)
truth be told ive watched too many sci fi movies about our cool future and all the dope shit we were going to do by now. thats why my hopes are so overinflated and so under-met. movies of all kinds portrayed huge planetary sized spaceships with food synthezisers, underwater breathers, flying cars…and super intelligent android computer.s and that was just the james bond franchise!
the following list is what i expected. and didnt get. some of that im happy about but still. the list must be made:
ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. (1981.)
in this 1 star film a crime-ridden United States has converted Manhattan Island in New York City into a max security prison. the year: 1997. lets admit that under mayor guliani’s “broken window” police policy we saw new york become one big prison in the 90s. but real-time nyc was nowhere near the coolness of what j. carpenter came up with for this wild sci fi pic. plot: the president of usa crash lands behind enemy/prisoner lines and must be rescued by kurt russell in 1997 before the new yorker prisoners eat both of them alive. true. nyc is a dangerous flaming asshole of corruption, crime, misery, despair, and crazy crackheads still not to the degree this movie predicted. bonus prediction points: eerily enough this movie was only 4 years off in predicting the total fucked up destruction of the twin towers via plane. hows the for prescience???
THE BLACK HOLE 1979
in the year 2130 A.D. an Earth exploratory ship, the USS Palomino, discovers a black hole with a lost ship, the USS Cygnus, just outside its event horizon. and heres my take: that sounds like some scary shit, doesnt it?.. too bad theres no way we’ll be off our backwater planet called earth anytime soon. dont get me wrong, i love our home. weve got a lot of cool stuff here. for now. but theres no way in 100 years were going to have the capability to fly to the far galaxies and deal with some weird time portal caca… on a more positive note, if we do make it we will have robots that look better than the flying ashtray trashcans used in the movie. they were literally clunkers. you could see the cardboard and strings hanging from them. the rest of the effects had a styrofoam feeling to them. hard to believe “the black hole” was made a decade after 1968’s 2001 and at the same time as ridleys alien… i also hope by 2130 we wont be wearing those horrendous space suit long john looking jumpers that everyone had on.
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
well we certainly missed the cool tech shown in this film in 2001 by a long shot. i almost dont even want to comment on how far behind we are here. pan am doesnt exist. no quick trips to the moon. no higher power has come to enlighten us. no monoliths screaming to us some alien code (that theyve revealed). its 2012 and we still wait in line for 6 dollar iced cappucinos. and wonder what color flurescent neon pants theyll convince us to buy this summer. oh look. kim is dating kanye!! lets call it kimye.. what was a writing about?
2010 THE YEAR WE MADE CONTACT (1984)
really. 2010? the year we made contact. oh please. 2010 was the year of “popcorn lung”, the chilean miners, and lohan back in rehab. . 2010 was the year of the gulf oil spill which the genii decided to clean up, i mean sink to the ocean floor, with toxic chemicals so now our shrimp have no eyes and our fish have lesions. its 2012 and i can barely get my computer to post blogs when its supposed to. i bemoan our slow techno evolution. a pair of titties and a tweet from a celeb has more pull than balancing our budget, saving our planet and saving our asses. it would be nice if ‘the enlightened entity/peaceful godlike overlord” returned to our neck of the galactic woods to make contact and a star was born out of jupiters death..thus creating the two suns depicted in this film and spurring us into world wide peace. chance of this happening in next 200 years? nil. i just thought of a new movie title. 2017. the year we ate humane chicken.
BICENTENNIAL MAN 1999
a family purchases a fully functional bulter/robot in 2005. really? we didnt even get ipads until 2010. great movie btw. robin williams is a such a lifelike robot hes almost human. dammit. he is human. i know siri can talk but..but she cant pour you a cup of tea. or hug you. or change your nappies. or read bedtime stories and emote and love you. nor could siri convert herself to human body parts over two centuries and become…..h u m a n. sorry for the spoiler.
SOYLENT GREEN 1973
new york. 2022. new york has a pop. of 40 million people?? Housing is dilapidated and overcrowded; homeless people fill the streets and line fire escapes and stairways. the whole world suffers from depleted resources, poverty, dying oceans, and a hot climate due to the greenhouse effectt. food is scarce. and the people are eating what? holy shit!!! (ill let you see the movie to see the surprised for yourself). now the part about our pollution and global warming being an insurmountable problem in 2022 i agree with . but to the extent the movie showed wont hit til more like 2080. that means weve still got more time to party! when it comes to meeting timelines of the futuristic movies we even fucked up on fucking up our planet. cant we do anything right? yes i am glad we missed this target. and that women arent sold with apartments along with the furniture…
2018. the world is a global corporate state containing entities such as the Energy Corporation, a global energy monopoly based in Houston which deals with nominally-peer corporations controlling access to all transport, luxury, housing, communication, and food on a global basis. yes…this is true in some way. but the accuracy prediction ends there. and thank god. i dont mind that we dont have grown men in spandex rolling around circle tracks on old school skates and killing themselves while pounding metals balls into holes. im sure someone laments that this isnt a real sport. but not me. alas the things about this version of the future that i do miss are the gun that explodes pine trees, the cool hospital bed thingys, the inter-continental superfast travel, the fullscreen simulation screens, the brandy and the nonlibrary libraries. leave the tacky fashion trends and jumpsuits at the door. what the hell is it with the future and jumpsuits. tight. orange (in that particular 70s orange color) jumpsuits on men???
THE ABYSS 1989.
we certainly missed the dealine for having one man underwater subermergables and being able to breath amniotic fluids as an adult while you chat with cool phosphorescent sea aliens who save mankind from a crew member thats gone ptsd ape shit and tries to shove a nuke up everyones ass in the late 80’s (i think thats the time setting for this film)… but my laptop can cook eggs when its gets hot. thats only 30 years later…hows that for progress?
one of my fave movies of all time. sci fi or not. (i wonder what the sequel is going to look like. i heard its in the works) heres what wiki has to say: The film depicts a dystopian Los Angeles in November 2019 in which genetically engineered organic robots called replicants—visually indistinguishable from adult humans—are manufactured by the powerful Tyrell Corporation as well as by other “mega–manufacturers” around the world. yeah. right. this movie also predicted large mining colonies called “off worlds”. our hope for l.a. is that by 2019 they figure out a better mass transit system. and in and out burger switches to free range chicken too.
Schwarzenegger plays the Terminator, a cyborg assassin sent back in time from the year 2029 to 1984 to kill Sarah Connor, played by Hamilton. by the way: Skynet, the massive artificial intelligence network that nukes the wrold and kills all people and created terminators, gained self-awareness on April 19th, 2011, at 8:11PM, according to trivia philes. (or was it suppposed to happen in 1997, like the terminator predicted?). wake up computers… youre human destruction timeline is lapsing. youve missed both timelines to destroy us.
so many more movies with future timelines we havent and will not meet: star wars, star trek, event horizon, wall-e, farenheit 451, etc…
what i will say we are ahead of the curve on is medicine. we’ve managed to discover a wide array of illnesses (and expensive medicines) that the best doctors of our past never imagined we would have invented by now; restless leg sydrome. addhd. add. daa? copd. and a variety of disorders and maladies too numerous to list.
so take care kids. enjoy the year of the now.
love odie and odie mama.
and dont forget to get flu shots for everybody! especially babies and pregnant women.