where dreams go

dear odyssians,

im terribly sad at this moment. and perhaps overly tired. stuck in this pattern of questioning

god made me an artist. but he also made it virtually impossible to do my art. i have little confidence in my work. i find it difficult to make time for it. im the worst procrastinator in the universe. i tire easily, im distracted by the slightest thing. i have trouble concentrating. i have trouble working through the painful difficult moments that being an artist means having to struggle through for any success. i must admit im terribly lazy. i dont appreciate my work or my talents. i find it difficult to share. and i cant believe im writing this blog and will soon hit the publish button.

i doubt that anyone will read this.

if theres a place that dreams go to live then there must be a place that dreams go to die. im very afraid that ive found that place where you bury your passions, forget your desires, trample your creativity, chastize your instincts to fly free, supress your spirit, and give in to reality.

im afraid that my real world responsiblity detour will be a permanent slide into the darkest depths of hell. the place that dreams go to die. many peoples dreams end up there. maybe most.

ill still post a happy picture. about where dreams go to live.

i still have hope. perhaps mine will go there too.

signing off without odie’s approval tonight.

i dont want to depress him.

 

 

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16 thoughts on “where dreams go

  1. if i can balance on the ledge of 9 to 5 and emerge on the other side of this dark tunnel with the material possessions i NEED (there is no doubt of that) perhaps that is my test. to survive this. to see the devils shadow and never feel its shade.

  2. Awe don’t give up! That’s what having a heart of an artist is all about. I didn’t really start putting myself out there until age 35 (I also paint). I’ve felt like this SOO many times. Always keep in my mind that some of the best art came as a result of despair.. Someone DID read it :)

    • aww sparky lee!!
      good to hear that maturity + art is a good and that it made your more productive. aging has been one of my fears..as you know when youre an artist the bad time are reaaaally bad. and i do understand that some of the best art was done by people that were going through some seriously depressing caca. which is why i plan to paint today.
      im glad you did read it. and im very glad you responded. hopeyour painting is going well!

  3. Hey you… I can’t buy a ticket to Chicago to come kick your cute booty. Find the inner child, don’t be mean to her. If you paint, paint. If you take pictures, take pictures. I know you write and you write good. I am a shit painter but I still do it. I did retire my film director dream because I too am lazy. I made some film shorts in film school. If you really have focus issues you may be ADD they have medication for that, although you probably don’t need it. Big blue hug. My five year old niece is having a birthday party tomorrow and there is a fifty foot brightly colored water slide in our back yard. I spent hour luging down like a 55 year old kid. Nurture that inner child odie mama.LOVE SINDY BLUE BUTTERFLIES!

    • blue. dan. sparkly. im grateful for your words. they are helping me thru this nite. my mobile wordpress is having tech issues so ill write mord tomorrow. the support and understanding from you fellow artists is invaluable. and i am grateful. again, many heartfelt thank yous.

    • blue!
      no need to fly out. not just yet. havent set up a long rope or a chair by the rafters. and the focus issue isnt so much ADD as it is being an artist that hasnt sacrificed all else in order to get the art done. it breeds a feeling emotional rot. and instability.
      glad you hit the slide. sounds like a blast. exactly what the doctor ordered. i definitely need to revisit my fun zone. where ever that is. you know i havent been on a roller coaster (besides emotional and financial) in prob 12 years? i need to get back. great america here i come. after i spray paint these panels…

  4. Of course by “like”, in this context, means that I know where you’re coming from because I’m kind of there right now too. Not liking your suffering. :P

    Artists will always have their ups and downs, and but the ups are worth the plenty of downs you’ll come across. Press on.

    • hi crazy..
      love using that as an open to this reply. im glad you can relate. your words are a consolation. im trying to follow the sun. to focus on it. and ride out the storms. i do feel better today. planning to create. so that will clear away the last few clouds. im happiest when im creating. its true… gotta get there. adieu!

  5. I feel exactly the same as you do, I am an artist also and I haven ‘t been painting or drawing for almost 4 years now due to all sorts of reasons but recently I found blogs about doodling so I started doodling too hoping it will take me back to painting one day, doodling has the advantage that everything you do is good, there are no bad doodles, it is relaxing and fun and all you need is a piece of paper or a notebook and something to draw on….
    I do hope you feel happier soon !

    • yes gwennie. its great that youre doodling again. i used to do that too. my probs complex in that im a painter and writer but cannot focus on either so im a master of neither in a way. need to finish my first feature length play (writing it feels like swallowing hot coals with your front lobe while having your bamboo shoots shoved under the toenails of your brain). but i also have this great idea to spray paint huge 4 x 8 panels. bigger is better. this of course creates logistics and dynamics probs. aka. it aint easy. but what worth doing is?
      so neither art nor writing is being addressed. depression has set in. its the artists form of rigor mortis i suppose. im trying to address the spray paint project today. gotta run or ill never get there. love you gwennie!! thanks for the encouragement. and keep drawing. and sharing!

    • hi fuge- glad you came out of retirement to comment on this post. was really feeling likehell two days ago. and yesterday. feeling a bit better today though. so thats good. thanks for your words.

  6. Hang tough, my dear lady (and friend to odie) All of what your friends are saying above is true…. and, in addition.. know that you are not alone…. :-)

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