it was a dazzling full mooon tonight. the light cut through the cloud sky like a laser beam, blasting my eyes with celestial beauty. Did you enjoy the full moon as well?
now a little more about whats happening on my planet: its wednesday. halfway through the meat grinder. well almost. the grind doesnt even grate anymore. i would publicly admit that I’ve acclimatized to my job, but then i dont want to jinx that possibility. it took months you see, to get here. months for them to break me. for me to break myself. i dont even think about my dream of being in movies anymore. its been crushed, but crushed out of me so slowly that i almost failed to notice it was gone. until i was somehow reminded of it now.
remanded of it….
the anxiety of giving up my dream drained from me slowly like the life energy drained from those cute fraggle rock looking muppets in the dark crystal. one pitiful ounce at a time, one day at a time, until i came to be where i am now: not worried about not having fulfilled these dreams.
a shame it only took a few months. but somehow assimilation for even a diehard anti regimen societal norm/dictates/rules was just that easy. how many others has this happened to. where has the courage for my dream gone? i now can hardly imagine myself standing up in a room and portraying a character. before it was fear. now its a lack of any will to. its as if the kernel/kindle to bravely act was cut out of my body like a ghost tumor. the spot where it used to reside bears no scar. the hole left behind is painless. invisible. forgotten forever. almost.
i have other dreams yes, but those are safer. whats safer than writing a novel in the comfort of your own home on the weekend with odysseus on my lap purring, chamomile tea at the ready, and plenty of phone calls with friends to distract me from publication/editing/rejection. the truth is that the other dream was risky; high failure rate. potentially more volatile (in the sense that your exposure is greater so any massive failure also more public), a greater height to fall from as with any success ventured with no safety net: and couldn’t be done while working at a comfortable desk. id be behind a bar somewhere in a city. would you like to settle up or start a tab? neither…
where did the dream go. how has reality seeped in and drowned it? how did i allow this to happen?
where has your dream gone?
love o and om.