who’s pulling the cards and the cart? (not me. and why we wish it was odie.)

dearest odyssians.

lost at dark sea

there are a few cards in the deck (tarot) that express the querents need to take the reigns; ‘the chariot’ card, as an example. the chariot card asks us to literally “put your damn hands up and steer the motherfu**ing wheel in order to reap the best possible scenarios for the future.

ive pulled the chariot card from the deck. i had a 1/78 chance to do so.unless you believe, like i do, that the cards we pick are a perfection of destiny’s message from beyond. so fate picked my card. i understand what the card asks of me. but my proverbial buggy wheels are rust and crumbling compliments of the a lifetime of inaction coupled with the unforgiving ravages of passed time. they will not turn.

the cards may be asking me to take my wheel. break this inaction. yet every choice we have made lately makes us feel as if we have stepped further and further back from the yoke. odie waits for me at home all day. while im gone i feel im watching the movie of my life as series of wholly uninteresting and disassociated pictures-a slow motion slide show we dislike viewing. a poor script indeed.

worse yet, we dont know why we feel this way. yet the feeling is true. this feeling grabs both of us.

odie wonders why im  missing/working and not home. i wonder why im working and not home. when i was home i wondered why i wasnt working. then i wondered why work at all? then i wondered why not work all the time. then i wondered what the hell was wrong with me. for only an anxious fool blinded by a hate for all things conformity would ask such questions of himself. yet i didnt stop there. next i asked why ask about asking at all. why ask why. why not ask why ask why not. a carousel of self indulgent questioning was about the only thing turning in our lives.

the real problem; any work other than the screenplay leaves us distraught. yet we hesistate. and delay. then when we do get around to the task of writing our muse has left the building replaced by performance and perfection anxiety. our latest contributions have been streams of consciousness far outside the realms of traditional dialogue.  weve had no joy in writing any of it. we cant sell it either. nor show it around.

we dont know why all of these jumbled feelings of failure and more failure have sewn us tight. but we want to know. perhaps this ‘knowing’ would scuttle the dilemma we face now.

i digress from my miseries. let me continue.

weve sat in a corner while others painted us in. thats far worse than painting yourself in. at least in the later, you f**cked your own game plan. i am no way absolving myself of responsibility about where i now sit.

at this moment we are overwhelmed by a deep sadness. utterly depressing sadness.

weve always wanted to be drivers of our ship. not waiting for someone elses. not a passenger. but a captain and commander. not a sitter in the only unpainted corner. but thats precisely where we are.

we fear our lives will be a series of “how come she never…” “so much ______ yet she never ______ with it’.

these quotes evoke a paralyzing inner fear. when youre this far gone down the rabbit hole of counter society the thought of climbing out and the work it will take to do so is dauntingly paralyzing. and thats just the work to get to the surface. imagine the work needed to succeed among the herd?

perhaps we were never cut out for the herded life? we know we werent. but even those with minimal _____ were able to eek out a living amongst the living. what does this then say about one blessed in so many ways by the gods, yet squanderer?

the final stab wound>the cuteness of youth and the endless possibilities of youth have left us.

ahh sweet bird of youth youve flown my coop.

a poem then?

“Sweet bird of youth youve flown my coop.

never to return.

admired more enviously with every day

perched upon the brow of another.

Leaving bitter a purgatory of mid aged shell

Not yet young, to wallow in folly of youth.

Not yet old, to see this folly and its gaze back fool

are one and the same.”

the rocking chairs and the canes of  unaccomplishment surround us. ultimate fear jeers at us.

we are frozen. frightened. pitiful.

wheres odie with a translator collar when you need him? what would he say to al of this. what would he say about my long absences that leave him crying and lonely. if only he and i could understand each other more. i would explain why i am gone and return sad. i would remind him of my undying love for him and how strong it is though it comes from a person of perpetual inaction.

goodnite dear friends.please dont let the same ghosts haunt you as they haunt me.

let us pray.

17 thoughts on “who’s pulling the cards and the cart? (not me. and why we wish it was odie.)

  1. I hope you feel brighter! Have you tries letting Odie do a spread/pull a card. Talk to him about it and put his paws on the cards or spread them and let him pick the cards. Could be interesting and enlightening.
    p.s. The Chariot also implies “going home”…What does that mean to you?

    • hi JV,
      i’m better after a nights rest. when im tired ever inner fraction cracks open. i will have odie do a spread. and i will let you know what he pulls.
      which spread do you use to do your readings and why do you like that one over others.
      o and om

      • Glad you’re feeling better and rested! For a long spread I use the 11 card Celtic Cross spread, plus 3 additional cards. For short readings I do what I call my “What’s up” spread, which is just 3 cards, with underlying a hints of past-present-future and body-mind-soul (2 other 3 card spreads). There are also a couple of relationship spread I use for relationships. These are the ones I learned or created myself from the beginning, so I’m most in tune with them.
        Namaste to you and Odie!

      • hi jv,
        ive used the celtic previous and always pulled a few extras for additional insight.. but lately ive been rocking the golden dawn spread – ill mix that in with the occasional “pick a card. any card? no… the right card.” which is funny because any card they pick is the right card… so kind of a play on everything (hope that translates across matrix and wordpress). im a newer reader, but already a lot of magic has happened. i have a feeling the more i read the more connected ill get. still at a stage where im not sure where exactly cards are pointing, but im definitely getting the gist of the message. excited to stay plugged in and see what happens :)
        any advice for a newer reader? thanks jv!

      • Just trust your first thought/impression/vision that comes when you draw a card or spread, and don’t rely on the textbook definitions, though sometimes the readings are “textbook”. Does that make sense?

  2. “The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.” ~Bertrand Russell

    You know, oftentimes asking, “Why?” is a sign of thoughtfulness and inquisitiveness, inherent traits of intelligence, and not merely lack of knowledge. Knowing “X” is the answer for some people is because that’s all they know, not that because they’ve been exposed to the other possibilities and determined that those options lacking or incorrect. I know I was like that in my youth lol. And as a type A perfectionist, it took me a long time to realize that control is an illusion cuz the only thing I can attempt to control is myself and even then I struggle with the urge to react instead of processing and responding. Sometimes the corner people paint you in is actually the entrance to a doorway too :)

  3. Hey O and OM,

    I hope you have long freed the wheels of that once immoveable chariot and race again across the plain pulled by powerful steeds chomping hard on the bit, and the reigns taut and cutting in your hand…

    Tell me about your occasionally errant Muse and I shall tell you about mine – what news of the mews? :)


    DN – 07/12/2014

  4. Dearest dm ,
    Our Chariot is rolling. We broke our inaction. Because I gave up the play and work and moved onto writing a novel. And that novel won’t let me quit it. When I was writing other works I often thought of giving up, and eventually did. That hasn’t happened with this book. I’m determined to finish. My muse is strong. And I’ve got a much more positive feeling about the work. I also have the four hundred pages to prove it.
    Also, my punctuation and grammar have gotten better. Thank the gods!!

    O and om

    • Hey O and OM,

      I’m so pleased to hear the wagon is rolling! Despite the intensity of your Play writing, and the commitment it must have involved, it does appear all to easy for life’s grass to grow a little tall around our axles when we leave the Chariot stood idling on the driveway for too long. And there in lies a lesson for me, if not to us all…one has to keep moving forwards in every facet of life until the right ‘place’, ‘time’ or opportunity’ presents itself and we can release our full potential, set down a few permanent roots and grow in stature into the choice/s we have consciously made for ourselves. Judging from your comment, I get the distinct impression that writing as a novelist sits very comfortably with your character despite the push and pull of its beastly nature :)

      I find inspiration in many guises, but none so readily as when reading of the persistence of a focussed heart and the delivery of a reward for dogged (or catted) determination and effort. Equally as inspiring is the knowledge that in giving up a project you elevated your next goal with the desire to achieve something more, for yourself, and have been successful in doing so. Your comment simply abounds with positivity and purposeful intent, and even your Muse is strong and present by your side as she walks with you through the final few yards on the way to completing the novel. The joy one feels in your words is almost palpable! But how sweet the feeling of knowing you will soon have chance to breathe again when the book is done… Aaah!

      Sending a few more best wishes and positive vibes your way to add to the shed load you have received already.

      Keep going ya’ll!


      DN – 08/12/2014

      P.S: 400 pages! Wow…what’s the word count on that?


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