Now, more than ever, we wish we could clone ourselves (a la the movie multiplicity starring keaton without the disasterous effects). Wed get everything done, experience everything in the meanwhile, and not miss a thing. As a set of 7, our combined lives would make for one hell of a super interesting, conjoined experience.
Our clone list, with accompanying tasks, is listed below.
Clone 1. “full fledged learning clone”
-read all those books weve been meaning to read plus all the ones we have no idea exist yet.
-learn foreign languages fluently. at least 1 new language per year.
-learn musical instruments. All of them. Even french horn.
-take up sewing/design class. rock ny paris london milan fashion weeks by 2020.
-master using chop sticks once and for all. even those super slippery plastic ones.
-pass beauty/make up/salon school with flying colors.
-solve the key of life.
(Now that I think of it this isnt even doable for a fully focused clone.. oh well)
clone 2: “the tireless work clone”
-go to work and never tire. (duh)
-maka da muney for da family aka support all clones and original odie mama. (no light task)
“better clone a version of yourself that never tires from work. we dont want that crazy rebellious movie scenario” – odie.
“yes. weve all seen what went wrong. which is why we’ll design around the flaws. this tireless clone, as will all other s, will be flawless.” – odie mama.
“i pray to all the cat gods on high you know what youre doing. You must Remember to make sure the clones cannot clone themselves.” – odie
“dont worry baby. i got this covered. and improved: check out clone 3. tah dah!!!” – odie mama.
Clone 3. “odies clone”
spend enduring amounts of time with odysseus. feed bathe love hug kiss cuddle groom trim odie til he cant take anymore. mix and repeat.
“your best clone idea yet ma!” – odie “ill never tire of your clones love. but, let it be written in our post clone creation contract- i must be given sufficient time with the original you. Ill be able to tell you all apart.”
” i think ill have time to arrange something. Wink wink.”- odie mama.
“you better. or ill poop in the clone making mechanics and itll be a real shit show, if you know what i mean.” – odie
“ill ignore your senseless threats and remind you again not to worry. btw, look what other cool stuff clone 3 will do for you..” – odiemama
Clone 3 Tasks continued:
-train odie to walk on leash.
-train odie to use human toilet.
-train odie to flush human toilet
“how awesome is that? its not even in traditional training methods.” – odie mama.
“Umm. No.” -odie
“It gets better!”
-take odie outside and to four star restaurants.
-get odie an agent.
-charge odie rent.
“after much thought, ive decided we must skip clone 3.” – odie
“was it the toilet training part? Ive read it will only take 3 months if you cooperate and dont look down.” odie mama
“Obviously my paying rent is a sham and I refuse it.” – odie
“Will u refuse it if you’re making more money than croesus with your worldwide road show?” -odiemama
“If that happens, ill charge u rent.” -odie
“You wouldn’t! I’m your mother!” Odie mama
“Ill amend clone 3s tasks accordingly.” Odie mama
“I knew wed work something out.” – odie
Clone 4. “the active clone/up off my ass clone”
-exercise and other activities that bore and grate and punish- and sculpt and lift and tone trim polish etc.
-somehow devises a way to spread fitness gains to other 5 clones and original odie mama.
-sell “exershare” idea to world for billions.
-make original and five clones independently wealthy.
-retire clone 2 to become humanitarian clone – a full time charity clone.
clone 5. the art doer/maker clone
-finish other book
-finish other other book.
“all in all, excepting the original version of clone 3 for more than obvious reasons, i think youve come up with a quite competent clone list. bravo. i must say. bravo ma. you have my permission to hold me. But not clone me” – odie
“I agree. But wait a minute.. we forgot a clone. clone 6! the piece de resistance of all my clones. a clone that truly rivals me, the originator.” – odie mama.
“oh crap. this is getting out of control. Another clone. Mutiny I say.” odie
“not at all my dear boy. Bounty I say! 6 is essential. 6 makes the others worthwhile. 6 is a great compliment to the original and the 5 before, for 6 is…… ” – odie mama.
clone 6: “the alter ego clone.”
“tattoos and a shaved head are a just a few signature trademarks of alter ego clone.” Odie mama
“Oh you hush and listen. here are the others.” odie mama.
-going out late. staying out later.
-traveling to dangerous locals.
-not giving a flying f*ck.
-generating a new generation of cool.
-not noticing because simply too cool.
-taking up dangerous relationships.
-never paying consequences.
-eating spicy food.
-going punk goth chic rock wild = and never looking back.
-practicing all that magic.
-practicing all that magick.
-conquering darkness. Living in light.
‘Hey. What the hell is that last part? You lost me. ” – odie
“oh you nevermind little one. some things are better left unknown. lets just say that fantasy is fantasy because its not reality. Even in clone manuals. ” – odie mama.
“reminds me of a bill mauer skit i saw once.” odie.
“i never gave you the remote to watch r rated comedies on hbo.” – odie mama.
“ahhh, the old ‘do as i say, dont do as i do’ addage.’ I knew to dismiss that hypocritical standard and its abuses long ago. ” Odie
“No. I set those for a reason. I think they should remain. ” – odie mama.
“Too late and no going back. we broke past them when we drank those flaming shots of bacardi 151 together. The ones that burned off my whiskers and singed your eyebrows. Hmm? Besides I just turned 4. In cat years. So Times 7. ”
“Yes yes. Though its not a straight times 7. We both know that. Whatever. All I ask is that you just don’t watch the late night movies” – odie mama.
“The ones with the 3 cheerleaders that…” – odie
“OK. Now youre in trouble mister!”
alright everyone. night night. dont let the fantasy bite.
o and om.
Plus all 6 imaginary clones… equals party of 8 ;)